Interview with Betty Bowers

Betty Bowers:	So tell us: who did Christine Aguilera pleasure first?
Eminem:	Carson, then Fred.
Betty Bowers:	Well, one look at that harlot, my only surprise is that she waited to do them one at a time. Now, to you: I didn't realize you were an albino.
Eminem:	I ain't no f----- albino! You want to dwell on my race but you could NEVER say that my s--- is whack because you know my s--- is tight.
Betty Bowers:	Scatological speculation aside, your eyes do look wildly dilated. Indeed, even the most strung-out girls in my Christian Crackwhore Ministry can't get their pupils to muster a gape like that. I'd say sunglasses would not be remiss even if you're not an albino. Not that I'm necessarily buying into your protestations in that regard, dear. So, tell us, are you now a born-again Christian?
Eminem:	Yeah, I am down with the Bible.
Betty Bowers:	How did this miraculous change occur, dear?
Eminem:	Well - dear - see? Everywhere I turn, I get s--- from posers that don't know me. Sticking a finger up my a-- about not being "politically correct" and s---. You know? People saying "you ain't supposed to say f-gg---" and "you ain't supposed to talk bout beating up b-tches." And Doctor Dre say --
Betty Bowers:	What type of doctor is Dr. Dre anyway? Medical? PhD?
Eminem:	Dre ain't a doctor. He just calls himself that to sound important.
Betty Bowers:	Oh, sort of like Doctor Laura.
Eminem:	She is one hard b-tch.
Betty Bowers:	Perhaps, you two could do a duet. You seem to hate all the same people.
Eminem:	Yeah, but I hate her, too! (laughs)
Betty Bowers:	Well, that hardly sets you apart, dear.
Eminem:	Yeah, but she wouldn't be down with it since she isn't going to cooperate with my slams on her.
Betty Bowers:	No, self-hatred would require far too much introspection for her. Let's talk about something more pleasant. So, tell me, did you become born again to avoid coarse vulgarity?
Eminem:	No, b----. I didn't f-king get f-king born-gain to do that!
Betty Bowers:	This is clearly a metamorphosis in its very earliest of stages. I assume, at a minimum, that you will no longer sing about, well, such uncivil inclinations as killing.
Eminem:	Killing? Everyone is riding me about violence. Look, Saving Private Ryan was probably the illest, sickest movie I've ever watched, and I didn't see anybody criticizing that one for violence.
Betty Bowers:	That killing was done for God, dear. Indeed, the bullets our boys fired were from God in Heaven. The German bullets were coming, of course, straight from Satan. And the French . . . well, there were no French bullets were there? But I'm always grateful the French are cowards every time I wander among the unblemished buildings of Paris. Anyway, everyone America kills either has crude morals or crude oil. And all American war efforts are for the glory of God.